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Friday, June 10, 2011

Binge

Well, I've been on bit of binge lately.  crap!  sigh. stupid!
ice cream, cookies, breads, chocolate (lots of chocolate). And I see the results everyday when I weigh myself & yet, still, I binge.

On the positive side, my binges today are not like anything pre-band.  At most, I'm consuming 2,000 calories per day - max.  My binge now is 4 squares of chocolate or 4 cookies.  But this is a far cry from the 1000-1200 daily calories I'd been sticking to.  Damage may be less but it still feels like a binge.

Also, I'm catching myself prior to totally going off the deep-end.  In fact, I was driving into work this morning & was absolutely starving (even tho' I'd just had my usual morning protein shake).  I was thinking to myself I'd just grab a bagel & cream cheese when I get to the office.  wha'??!!  wait!  Then I remembered that I now keep mixed nuts in my desk so I munched on those instead & skipped the carbs.  Somewhere in this fail is actually a win for me.......I'm much more aware which helps cut the mindless eating.

Obviously, I am in desperate need of a fill.  It actually been about 3 months since my last one.  I've got the classic signs:  eating way more than a 1/2c or 1c of food in a sitting; hungry within an hour or two; able to eat things (like bread & bagels) I couldn't before.  I had an appt scheduled for June 21 but the drs ofc just called & pushed it out a week.  grrrrrrrrr.    A little trip back through bandster hell - ugh!

But here's whats really bugging me about this whole episode....why?  Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I sabotaging my good efforts?  60lbs down just around the corner & I pull this kind of crap? We've got friends coming in to town this weekend that haven't seen me since surgery.  We have family coming in for 4th of July who I haven't seen in almost 2 years.  The big 6month post-op dr appt is just a few weeks away.   All of this & yet it feels like I'm falling down just before the (nearest) finish line.

WTF??

cheers,
chloe

4 comments:

Ronnie said...

Hi Chloe, I'm your newest follower! Found your blog off of lapbandtalk.com. Was looking back through your older blogs and noticed that we got banded on the same day. (How cool is that?)

Anywho, I know what you mean about needing a fill, I've definitely been off the wagon for a while (just climbed back on with the help of my blogging support system).

Anyway, can't wait to catch up on reading about your journey. Looks like you're doing fantastic!

Lap Band Gal said...

Hi!

Kiwigirl said...

Hi there! - I found you via Ronnie. I'm looking forward to reading your blog from the beginning. Looks like you have made amazing progress. I can relate to the struggle you're having - I'm reading blogs right now to inspire me and keep me away from the fridge! I doubt the struggle will ever end!

Ashlylin said...

Hey, Ronnie sent me over. You are doing amazing. Kick any negative thoughts to the side. We all have our moments. I totally hear ya on self sabatoge.