2 year bandiversary....and final post

Hello chickadees!
...or should I say chickadee in the singular since I'm sure no one checks this blog anymore?  That is ok - you've moved on and frankly, so have I. Which means its time for me to shut this blog down.  I've just hit 2 years since getting banded and this seems like a good time to mark the milestone, wrap this phase of my my life up and say good-bye.  In an uncharacteristically Chloe move, I am even going to publish pics of me & my family.  Hope you enjoy it :)
 
I know conventional wisdom is that people stop blogging about WLS because they've fallen off the wagon and gained a bunch of weight back.  Happy to report that this is not the case for me.  I'm still bouncing between 146-148lbs just like I have been for the past 8-10months.  I wear a size 6. :)  Still love the sound of that.

 

So, what does maintenance look like?  Funny enough, its not very different. Much wiser band warriors have noted that there is no finish line.  Too true.  I still workout 8-10 hours a week: sweaty cardio, some weights, yoga and more sweaty cardio.  I don't drink my calories - tea, water, soy milk & protein shakes are my liquids.  I eat my protein first - no pasta, rice, bread.  Good carbs and good fats like nuts & avocado.  I still plan out weekly menus & do most of our cooking at home. I still eat off little plates, just order appetizers at restaurants and don't drink when I eat.  I'm not nearly as strict with my diet as I was during active weight loss, tho' and I no longer track my food... but I'm still a sugar addict and always will be.  I confess to lots of xmas cookies.  Also, I drink alcohol a bit more now which I had pretty much cut out during active losing.

Words of advice to new or struggling bandsters?  I've learned that active weight loss is almost all diet-dependent.  Yes, you really do have to consistently eat clean 90%+ of the time to drop pounds.  No, you can't have a glass of wine or a martini several nights a week and expect to see smaller numbers on the scale.  If you are not prepared to pass on the booze, soda, chips and fast food then you are NOT.GOING.TO.LOSE.WEIGHT.  (yes, I am calling out Dinnerland, Tessie Rose and even Amy W...but they already know the truth of this.  They're just not willing to live it.)

On the other hand, I believe exercise is the key to successful maintenance.  It provides more wiggle room in the diet to still keep the scale steady.  I do think exercising does help during active weight loss as a distraction.  If I go to the gym for 2 hours then that is 2 hours I'm not near my pantry.  Plus all the toning really helps lift the booty and the confidence.

How's life with the band?  I knew when I shelled 10 grand out of my own pocket to do this surgery that I was ready and willing to make big changes.  I knew I could lose weight - I had a million times before. What I didn't know was if I could keep it off.  Now that I am maintaining, I find the band to be at its most helpful.  It does something I'd never been able to do on my own - it keeps my portions in check.  I haven't had a fill in nearly a year and I still can only eat a little bit at a time.  I think Cat just had a post about how the band helps level the playing field between her & food.  Yes. Exactly.  Ditto.  But as you know, the worst foods slide down so easily which means I gotta bring some willpower of my own to the table.  The band can't do it all for me....or for you.  Own up to that fact. people.

Any unexpected changes after losing the weight? A huge change for me has been how integral fitness has become in my life.  Somewhere during this process going to the gym stopped being a chore and became a relief.  Sweating became more critical for my mental health than my physical health.  My version of happy pills, I suppose.  My husband & I are just so much more active today than in the past.  We did a 4 mile Turkey Trot at Thanksgiving.  There is a Resolution 5k on NYE plus a Commitment 5k on New Year's morning that we're going to run.   A good friend who is a big cyclist just came through town and he'll be back in May for the Elephant Rock ride.  E-Rock is the unofficial opening of racing season here in Denver.  I was agitating for the 62mile ride since I doubt I'll be able to get much outdoor training time in before the race but the guys want to do the full century right out of the gate...that's probably what we'll do.  Also, I want to do the Copper Triangle ride with my husband this summer - 3 mountain passes, 6000 feet elevation gain and 80 miles.  Plus, I'd like to do an Olympic distance triathlon, do Venus de Miles century again, blah, blah, blah....

Turkey Trot 2012

Another big change for me is learning to deal with my emotions when I actually experience them.  I can no longer eat my feelings but have to learn to process them instead.  This is not always easy.  For days after the Sandy Hook tragedy, I couldn't turn on the TV without crying.  I would not have been able to feel that sorrow 80lbs ago.  But there are happy tears, too.  We just had a meeting with my daughter's therapist team at school and they were telling a story about working with smells with her and how strongly she responded to the scent of lavender.  The team was quite pleased to get such a strong reaction out of her since her responses are so limited.   Tears were welling up in my eyes when I told them that lavender is my favorite scent - I use lavender soap, lavender lotion, lavender satchets in my closet, etc, etc, etc.  I've planted oodles of lavender all throughout my garden and my daughter keeps me company when I'm cutting it.  My daughter is not mobile, not verbal and at 10 years old, she has the capabilities of a 4 month old.  She will never come running to the room, jump in my lap, throw her arms around me and say "I love you, Mommy." As a mother, I will never know this.  not ever.  So, it was a revelation that, in her own way, she knows me and recognizes me.  I would not have been able to feel such happiness 80 lbs ago, either. 

Learning to bare my emotions and face my feelings - both good & bad - has been the hardest part of the struggle for me.  I think it will be this way for the rest of my life.

How to stay committed? Other than wanting to still fit into the thousands of dollars in gorgeous new clothes I've filled my closet with (for the first time ever, I even let my husband buy me clothes), I believe all of us on this journey need a "powerful why" to help us stay on track when the motivation inevitably dips.  Getting healthy and staying healthy so I can be around to take care of my daughter for many years to come is my most powerful why. What's yours?

My daughter - my powerful why

Halloween 2012 as the Flintsones

My love bugs!

My 40th bday

Xmas 2012

Hubs bought me a great, sexy dress for Xmas!

What's next?  I don't think I'll ever be done with this journey but I'm proud to say I've met my goals and now its time to move onto other life projects.  Thankfully, the hubs has fully recovered from his medical scare over the summer.  whew!  My daughter's health is starting to get a little precarious, tho'. Her scoliosis has dramatically worsened in the last few months and we're facing spinal fusion at the end of January.  Its a 6-hour surgery where they will open up her back from neck to butt crack, fuse the vertebrae and insert rods, wires & screws to straighten out her spine.  After surgery, she'll be in ICU for a few days, then in the hospital for about 10 days, then home from school for 4-6 weeks and then recovery will take 6months - 1 year.  Its as scary as it sounds.  She's had several surgeries in the past but this one will the most extensive and invasive to date.  I'm a wreck!

Also, I am deeply unhappy at work.  I need to muster the courage to dream big dreams and make a big leap in my career.  My best friend suggested "ChloesClimbUp" and I really like it.  No reason not to act....look at what I am capable of!

Where I started - never going back!

Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year.
Wishing you success, peace & joy.

Cheers,
chloe

Emotional fallout

In the last few posts, I updated you guys on all the medical drama with hubs.  You might be wondering how I have reacted to the craziness & what its done to my weight....this is a WLS blog. after all.  I am an admitted emotional & stress eater and there has been way too much of both in recent weeks which has lead to way too many sugary sweets.

So, can I still fit into all my fabulous clothes? 
Yes.
I am currently bouncing between 146-148lbs. Like I have been for many months.
To go through such an emotional roller coaster & not gain a pound.  wow.  For me, that is an NSV (although its one I wished I'd never had to experience).

I'm not eating perfect - lots of sugar plus carbs have crept back in - but I still follow the band basics like protein first, don't drink your calories & eat small portions often.   Nuts & greek yogurt are entire food groups for me.  In a perfect world after plastics, I'd probably weigh about 3-5lbs less but it is what is.  If you get to that perfect world, send me a postcard because I soooooo do not live there.

The other basic I still stick to is exercise.  In fact, I do truly believe exercise is what kept me sane.  I would spend all day in the hospital sitting by my husband's bedside & then go home to run 5 miles.  Headphones, deep breaths, pounding of my heart and the world would temporarily melt away.  He'd get out of surgery and I'd hop on my bike.   Once I got back to the office & struggled getting back in my regular routine, I headed back to my beloved kickboxing and yoga.  Working out went from being a chore to a reward.  Surprising to say, of everything, yoga was the most important exercise for me during this time.  I always felt rejuvenated & resilient after yoga...like I could face one more day and handle whatever happened next.  Salvation through sweat, my friends. 

I feel different now.   Even after I got to goal with the band, I felt like I was a fraud.  A fat girl hiding in a skinny suit.  Actually, I didn't see myself as skinny at all.  I still saw bloated & puffy. I felt like anything could come out of the blue, knock me off my game & I'd pork out instantly.  I don't feel like that anymore.  I was fat for 10 years - obesity claimed my 30s - but I now I view that decade as an aberration.  Not the normal me.  For the first time (maybe ever), I feel like this - right now - is the real me.  Its a powerful experience.    I stared down a crisis and made it my bitch....plus I can rock a size 6 dress & 4" heels.

Next up for me is a big road race at the end of this month.  Last year, I did my first ever road race - a metric century of 100km.  This year I am going to do the same race but the full century - 100 miles.  Yikes!  I did a 70mile ride on Saturday and it got rough.  The last 30miles, my legs were cramping so bad.  It was rather frustrating because I felt like my body is strong enough to do this ride but I gotta figure out how to fuel & hydrate better.  Tonight I'm going to "reward" myself with a 40mile easy ride.  :)

Update on hubs...he's doing better but bored out of his mind at his parent's house back in Kansas.  He's now about 6 weeks out of surgery and starting to resume activities slowly.  He still gets headaches but they don't seem to be as bad.  Honestly, I wish he'd stay in Kansas a few more weeks until school starts for the kid because once he gets back to Denver, child care is pretty much all on him.  I work during the day or travel & the kid will be home all day.  But he's bored and I haven't seen the kid since mid-June.  Yesterday was her 10th birthday.  Sniffle.  They are coming home Saturday :)

cheers,
chloe

the saga continues

...all the events I described in my last post happened about a month ago so let me catch you up with the rest.  After the second surgery, hubs spent one nite in the hospital & then they sent him home.  With 2 sets of staples in head & a 4" long incision down the back of his neck.  My hubs is very tall - 6'4" - and with a newly shaven head he did remind me a little of Frankenstein.  don't ever tell him I said that!

This has been a very long, messy year for us so far.  Let me recap:  in February, my daughter had a procedure that did not go well & she ended up on a feeding tube for several months.  VERY stressful!  I had my own extensive surgery on May 1.  VERY stressful!  My daughter had just gotten off the feeding tube & I was starting to recover when the downward spiral for the hubs began.  VERY stressful.  But wait!  There's more!  Right around my hubs' first surgery, my daughter had an appt to see a pediatric orthopedic surgeon.  Her scoliosis has gotten very bad (up to 20% curvature, docs say don't worry; 20-40% curvature, docs say watch but don't do anything; beyond 40% curvature, docs say its bad and surgery is likely. my daughter has a curvature of 60%.  seriously).    The curvature is starting to impact her internal organs and it only gets worse from here.  Even tho' she's just about to turn 10, she's already had several surgeries but this will be the most extensive.  the most scary.  Basically, they will cut her open from neck to butt crack in order to put in rods, screws & wires to fuse her spine as straight as possible.  They may even fuse her hips as well.  Imagine the recovery process from that!   Knowing how long it took to get this appt, I left my hubs in one hospital and took my daughter over to Children's Hospital.  I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the likelihood that I had surgery in May, hubs having multiple surgeries in June & my daughter would have a huge surgery in July.  trying & failing to prepare for that possibility.  VERY stressful!!!  Thankfully, doc said that yes, she will definitely need fusion surgery but her scoliosis seems to have stabilized and surgery is not imminent.  HUGE sigh of relief.  I know its coming, but tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.  I'll worry about that later.

By the time he got home, I was spent....but I had to return to work (hello, sole breadwinner & provider of health insurance!) plus I had to now figure out to care for our daughter.  For better or worse, my little family is rather fragile.  brittle.  We only work as a family unit if both my husband & I are shouldering our respective responsibilities.  I pay the bills & he cares for our daughter.  But in his condition, he is not able to carry his weight.  I  know myself well enough to know that I can't cover day-to-day care for the kid and work and travel and stay sane for any period of time.

We have no family in Denver so I did something very hard - I called my sister-in-law in Kansas City & asked if she could take my daughter for a few weeks.  Nerve wracking for both of us.  She's never watched the kid for more than a few hours.  However, she is a nurse & is working as a school nurse right now which means she has the summer off.  For me, I'm making the decision to split up my family.  I have to send my daughter away because I don't trust my husband not to half-ass his recovery.  I believe that if she was around, he would try to do too much, too soon and likely do more damage or prolong his recovery.  He can't do that - he needs to get back to 100% ASAP so we can move onto my daughter's spinal fusion.  After much discussion (and annoying drama with his extended family), my daughter is sent to KC.  As of right now, I haven't seen her in about a month.  I can't describe how deep that cuts.

After the second surgery, he's home for a few days before I have to get back to work & back on the road.  Sales meeting in London I have to attend.  Tired just reading this?  I was a mess & operating on sheer stubbornness and adrenaline by this point.  Traveling is distracting - in good ways & bad.  As crazy as it was to hop a plane to the UK at that moment, it was good for me in a way.  I got some distance (literally) and could take a deep breath for the next hurdle: recovery.

Two weeks after the second surgery, he had a follow-up with the surgeon.  A CT scan soon after the first surgery still showed blood on his brain & he was still having headaches.  It was feeling like we had been through a lot but it hadn't worked.  fuck!  Doc said its now a waiting game - it takes time for the blood to dissipate & of course, he's still having headaches....they just cut open his neck & head. duh.  those incisions need to heal before we'll know if the leaking has stopped.

Truth is is that I am not a particularly nurturing person & we've had so much drama this year that my reserves are all gone.  I know he will require a long recovery but I don't have it in me to provide it.  Also, his mom is too sickly to come out to Denver because of the altitude.  Through all of this, she's been back in her tiny Kansas town freaking out (his dad came out for a few days to help but ended up staying over three weeks.  in my 900 sq ft house.  with one bathroom.  VERY stressful!!!!).  So, I totally guilted him into going back home so his mother could spoil him.  He wasn't keen on going.  I didn't give him a choice.

Right now, he's been back in Kansas for about 2 weeks and hanging out with the kid in his hometown.  He's feeling better and hasn't had any headaches for a few days.  He is behaving himself and letting other people care for the kid.  Next step is to ramp up his activity bit by bit and see how he reacts.  Keep your fingers crossed that he continues to improve.

I'm in Denver now. I was gone on a business trip when family friends with a private jet came to take him back to Kansas.  When I got home to an empty house, I collapsed on the couch.  utterly spent.  an empty shell.  This has been a such an emotionally difficult time for me.....coming face to face with some of my worst fears.  While he was in ICU, I asked him what he would take away from this too-near brush with death.  He just kinda blinked at me with that "what'cha talkin' 'bout, Willis?" look.  Not a deep thinker or particularly reflective man so I doubt he'll take much from this experience.  But wouldn't you know, I'm having trouble processing it all.......

However, that is the subject of the next post....

cheers,
chloe

Serious, scary shit

Hello all,
I've posted pretty regularly in the year and half since I got the band and then -poof!- disappear for over a month.  Miss me?  Worry about me?  Well, you should worry - there's been some scary shit going on in my life.  My husband nearly died.  no joke. no laughing matter. no shit.

I'm sure this will take a couple posts to get fully caught up so lets get it going.....

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my husband has been having headaches since about Easter.  These headaches are positional which means they are a little better when he's laying down & much worse when he's upright.  Turns out these headaches are caused by leaking spinal fluid.  Over the course of a few months, we got kicked from specialist to specialist, test to test & treatment to treatment.  Then things went to bad to worse to dire in just a few short days.

He was leaking so much fluid that his brain was scraping around inside his skull and it caused a subdural hematoma - or bleeding in the brain.   He was already in the hospital due to dehydration & for pain management and was scheduled for surgery to plug up the holes.  However, the afternoon before surgery, the doc came by on rounds and felt my husband was "sicker than he should be for this issue" and ordered a CT scan out of curiosity.  Thank goodness for his suspicions!   The operating plan quickly changed from plug the leak to drilling holes in skull to relieve the pressure and flush out the blood.  That morning before surgery, I could not rouse my husband at all.  Shaking him, yelling at him, slapping his face - none of it produced any response.  I do truly believe that if he hadn't already been in the hospital and that if the surgeon hadn't been suspicious, then he would have likely slipped into a coma that day and I'm not sure we would have gotten him back.  Also, its difficult to think what might have happened if they'd gone ahead and done the original procedure to open up his spine with an undetected brain bleed. <<insert panic here>>

That morning was probably the scariest of my life....and considering everything I've been through with my daughter that is saying a lot!  The anesthesiologist mentioned that this was the most unusual case he'd ever seen.  great.  As they were wheeling him off the operating room, the pre-op nurses started giving us hugs & I could the tears in their eyes.  wtf? <<insert panic here>>  After seeing that, I walked about 10 steps before completely melting down and falling to pieces.  I am never a mess & I rarely cry but in that moment I was a bawling disaster.  <<insert panic here>>

After brain surgery, he spent a few days in ICU where he was markedly better - although he did lose about 5 days. doesn't remember them at all but he was speaking & eating again.  One week after the dealing with the blood in his brain, he went back under so the docs could try to plug up the leaks.  Films had shown the leaks were really high up in his neck at C2-C3.  Doc opened him up there (yikes!) but couldn't actually find any holes or source of the leaks.  fuck. He went ahead & pumped him full of superglue as a shot in the dark.  Now we wait and see if that did any good...

gotta run but I'll post more tomorrow.
cheers,
chloe

I am released

Had my one month (technically 5 week) visit with my surgeon yesterday & I am officially released back into the wild.  yippee!!!  I can return to the gym.  I can have a bubble bath.  I can ditch the compression garment. I can wear any bra I like.  so relieved.

Sweating & soaking are my two favorite was to de-stress and, oh, how I have missed them since May 1.  I was ridiculously excited last night to once again pack up my gym bag & leave it next to my purse by the front door.  I even remembered to grab it this morning.  :)  His advice is to start slow so no kickboxing or weights right out of the gate.  I'm going to Zumba tonight - I am sooooo ready to shake my groove thing & get my sweat on!!!

The doc also checked out the area on my right upper back where I was afraid I had ripped open the incisions.  Nope!  It was just a staple & a suture that were trying to get expelled.  The nurse pulled them out & they are already starting to look better.  phew!   After 5 weeks, most of my swelling has gone down - you can even see my port again! - although the area right along the low body lift incision is still pretty numb.

With the lack of exercise, stress & crappy eating, my weight has crept up.  no surprise. I weighed myself this morning for the first time in a long time to assess the damage.  150.4lbs.  After surgery, I'm guessing that my ideal weight is now 143-145lbs.  Feels good to have a new goal (again).

As for the rest of the craziness in my life.....
 - my daughter goes in for a swallow study tomorrow.  If it the test goes reasonably well, then she should able to ditch the NG feeding tube.  I admit that I always hated the idea of the feeding tube, fought against it in the first place and am anxious for it to be gone.  I did a lot of negotiating with the docs before they ordered the feeding tube around what it takes for her to get off it.  Docs are always quick to prescribe some new thing but they never seem to think through how to end that thing.  sigh.  Keep your fingers crossed!

- Hubs is still the same.  Father-in-law originally planned to stay for just a few days but ended up staying another week to help out.  FIL is a great guy but his visit is going on two weeks.  (another reason I'm thrilled to be going back to the gym).  Hubs has a CT scan scheduled for Thursday.  Hoping that this definitely shows where the problem is so we can address it aggressively.  I'm out of patience.  Keep your fingers crossed!

cheers,
chloe

I'm so STRESSED!

I'm about to go off on a long vent so if you don't feel like losing the next 20minutes of your life, by all means, click away.  However, if you want to join me on this rant then read on...

I am very frustrated.  My husband has had a headache since Easter.   On Good Friday, he was perfectly fine but by the Monday after Easter he was a mess.  Its a positional headache which means it gets worse when he stands or sits up.  This is not your garden variety headache, hangover or even migraine - at times the pain is so bad that he pukes.  Basically, he sprung a leak in his spinal column and is leaking spinal fluid which causes the brain to rest directly on the skull.   Its a relatively rare condition and is known to just spontaneously happen.   After about a week of no improvement, hubs went to the doctor who sent him to the ER.  They ran some tests, tried some stuff, gave him a painkiller and sent him home.  Over the next few weeks, nothing got better so he'd call the doc who just prescribed him escalating painkillers...and then anti-inflammatories....and then anti-depressants.  grrr.  After nagging from me, hubs pressed to doc to get referred to Neurology.  He called to make appt with Neuro dept but they wouldn't be able to see him until end of June.  wtf??? After nagging from me, hubs was able to get a quicker consult with Neuro.  During all these weeks, all hubs can do is lie on the couch with an icepack & a pile of pills.

Between travel for work & my own surgery, I could not attend any of the early dr appts but I was able to go to Neuro.  So glad I did.  The hubs is just too nice & is such a male.  He never really communicates the level of pain he's in or the impact it has on his daily routine (like taking care of our daughter) which makes it easy for the doc to not take him seriously & just brush him off.  HOWEVER! I don't mind being a bitch and have no problem browbeating the Neurologist (who I was not impressed by and did not like.  She's only seen 4 cases of this condition in a 20year career & is basically useless).  She tried to brush me off with a line about how medicine is not an exact science.  Really?  Believe me, after dealing with a severely disabled child for nearly 10 years, I am well acquainted with that fact and nothing about this appointment has changed my opinion.  Silly woman.  So, what happened at the Neuro appt?  She ordered some tests, prescribed yet another painkiller and sent him home. grr.

With this background, here is my frustration......it was about 10days after Neuro that hubs even made appts to get the tests scheduled & he only did that after nagging from me.  Notice a trend???  He's been in pain for nearly 2 months now - 1/6th of 2012 he has spent lying on the couch.  Where is the urgency to get this fixed??  I've read a couple papers about this condition online & there was this one story about a guy who had daily headaches for 13 YEARS but when he finally had something done he felt relief in 5 minutes.  Touching story, right?  Bull!!! When I read that paper, I thought that guy was the biggest idiot.  He wasted 13 years of his life.  What a pointless, useless expenditure of energy.  My husband does not have the luxury.

For better or worse, we have a finely balanced, fragile & brittle way of managing our family life and it *only* works if each of us meets our responsibilities.  Lord knows I'm not asking him to bring home a paycheck but I'm not in a position to cover primary care for our daughter.  Case in point - our daughter has had a feeding tube in since February.  At her school, only the nurse can do feeding tube feedings but the nurse is only at school twice a week which means the other 3 days hubs has to drive up to school to feed her which take about 90min.  With this headache, that was excruciatingly painful but she has to be fed & I can't leave the office that much to do it.   Also, we are trying to wean her off the blasted NG feeding tube so it doesn't become permanent but this requires he feed her by mouth and he has to sit up for that - but its too painful so its just easier for him to hit the "on" button on the pump and lay back down.  Other things he has to do is change her diaper, get her in & out of bed, get her in & out of her wheelchair, bathe her, etc, etc, etc.   blah, blah, blah

I offered to bring a nurse to help him out but he declined.  I offered to bring family out but he declined.  I offered to send them back to his family in Kansas but he declined.  Finally, his parents got so worried about everything & this week summer vacation started which means she's home full time now that his father just drove out on Saturday to care for her.  Right now, hubs is proceeding through a series of tests to determine where the actual leak is which then allows the docs to inject blood close to the leak in the hopes that the blood clots & plugs the hole.  This is the treatment of choice for this condition; it is effective and relief can be immediate & permanent.   These tests & treatments certainly involve needles in the back but no knives.  These things can all be done in the office & don't even require he goes under.  I get that hubs is less than keen about needles in his spine but doing nothing but laying on the couch isn't really working either.

I want to shout at him: "get over it & get it fixed!!!" I'm not mad at him for getting sick but I am truly frustrated about how he has reacted and failed to drive to resolution.  We know from dealing with our daughter's medical issues that if you're not driving bus then nobody is.  He got the MRI done last night & next up is a CT scan.  I asked him this morning when that was scheduled and he looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head.  If he was really on the ball, he could have had an MRI in the morning, a CT scan in the early afternoon & blood patch by end of day. Shit - he could have been done with this by dinnertime.  So why the fuck isn't he trying to make that happen???? GRRRRR!!

I am a stress eater.  Yup, you can imagine what my eating has been like lately.  mmmm, sugar - my drug of choice.

I'm still only about 4 weeks out from my own extensive surgery.  Yup, you can imagine how well I'm following doctor's orders to rest & not do too much.  This past weekend I did waaaay too much.  I'm less "healed & sealed" than I thought and ended up popping open a couple stitches which are now crusty, oozing, itchy & bloody.  crap.

All I really want to do it go to the gym to workout my aggressions & sweat my frustrations.  I never thought I'd say this but I truly miss the gym.  sigh.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!
grrr.
chloe

day 23 pics

I just passed 3 weeks out from PS & snapped a few pics this morning.  Everyday is a little better - yesterday was the first day where I felt like my typical energy was back.  Its a fleeting thing tho' because today I feel tired again....but its nice to know the spark is still out there.  I can now sleep on side which is great but I tried laying on my belly for about 10min yesterday.  ah, no go.  also, the scar right at the top of my ass-crack is super itchy. ugh.

Here are today's pics!

still a little thick & swollen in the mid-section but look at that ass!

pre-op butt

my belly is not wrinlkly!!! yippee.

pre-op belly

I feel a bikini in my future!
cheers,
chloe