Distance Ride

today's weigh-in: 163.0lb
up about 1.5lbs from last week.

Not surprising given my travels last week.  I'm happy to say I'm home all this week & I don't anticipate any travel for the rest of this month.  yippeee!!!!

I just find this banded life a little easier when I'm home.  I'm going to hit the gym tonight - my gym bag is packed & out in my car.  I planned out the week's dinners on Saturday & went shopping to get everything. 

Here's what on the menu:
Sunday (yesterday): Shrimp & Cheddar Grits  pretty good & SUPER fast.  one of the restaurants around my house offers something like this & I love it so I decided to try it at home.  I added some mild green chiles to the grits - they were great.  good comfort food.  the shrimp was ok but I'll try it again with different seasoning.  leftovers for lunch today.  yum!

Monday: Chicken Enchiladas
Tuesday: Chicken & Asparagus with melted gruyere
Wed: Hoisin Chicken with mashed sweet potatoes
Thursday: Scallops with Cucumber Salad

My big bike race is in about two weeks & I'm getting nervous.  I have no idea what I was thinking when I signed up for the 67-mile course.  To help me prepare, my hubs organized a distance ride for us yesterday.  We got a babysitter for the kid to make it a little easier & then headed out.  We went west up to Golden, past Red Rocks, through Morrison, down C470 to Chatfield Reservoir, up past South Pearl Street over to Wash Park for a few laps then up Cherry Creek trail & past the big REI downtown and on home.   Total ride: 55mile.  Total time: 4h 43min (including 2 rest stops) Total calories: 2473 burned.

I hadn't been eating particularly well lately & not drinking enough water either.  I could totally feel it on the ride.  So now I have two weeks to fuel right & hydrate well for this race....

Looking forward to a low key week at home.
cheers,
chloe

End of my ME Year

Well, its official.  I think today marks the end of my "Me"  year.  I was banded in December & the plan was to step back from work in order to dedicate more time to me.  Lose weight, get healthy, leave work early to hit the gym, clear my head & figure out what I want in my 40s.  Kind of a mini mid-life crisis without the corvette or 20-year-old boy toy.  At the very beginning, it was a little hard to dial down at work, leave all those emails unread, phone calls unreturned & not always angling for some new project.  But I got into the groove & got better at leaving work at work.   It was nice....and now its over.

A little work background....I am a director of product management at a major IT company.  This basically means I run a global business and am responsible for P&L for a portfolio of products.  The company I was working for was acquired about a year & half ago and I have stayed on with the new company.  At the old company, I owned a very large portfolio & the business generated well over $1B a year in revenue.  At the time of the acquisition, my boss knew my portfolio would not find a home in the new company & so he moved me into a new assignment.  I LOVED my new assignment - it was working on emerging technology & building a whole new business from scratch rather managing an existing one.  I had a pretty small staff, cool technology & carte blanche to get out of my silo & work with anybody across the entire organization.  Overall, the business is small but its the fastest growing product line in my division.  A few weeks ago my boss held a huge all-hands meeting & he singled out my portfolio for best marketing.  Nice kudos.

Soon after these very public accolades, he followed up with a HUGE bonus.  Big money & big stock.  I'm lucky to have a good boss (& he's lucky to have me because I make him look sooooo good)   For a few days there, I was feeling pretty good.  Success & recognition at work.  Big $$$ in the bank. Cool, fun portfolio.  And balance.  I could have all this without sinking every waking hour into the office.

But I think that ended today.  A few weeks ago, my company acquired another company.  Today my boss announced the new org structure & I picked up a lot of responsibility.  I am going to keep what I have, pick up the newly acquired company and pull back in the remnants of my old portfolio.  This acquisition was personally driven by my CEO & he will be keeping tabs on how the integration goes.  The new company is extremely small but the execs have high expectations.  The hot mess of stuff I have now needs to be multi-billion dollars in just a few years. 

I know what needs to be done to get there but I also know how much time, effort & work it'll take to do it.  I know that this new assignment is a reward for past successes.  I know that high profile is good for my career & this role could propel me into the executive ranks (if I'm successful).  I know I am grateful for yet another amazing opportunity.

But it feels like the ability to leave the office at 5pm for Kickboxing just flew out the window.  How do I do this & still be good to me?  That's a skill I haven't mastered yet...


cheers,
chloe

Cali

Today's weigh-in: 161.2
down 1lb from last week


I'm sitting at the airport waiting to catch a flight out to the Bay Area.  I'll be there most of the week for an industry conference.  I am not speaking but I do have a lot of meetings scheduled.  My company was asked to deliver the keynote speech.  I am not giving the speech but I did write it once we found somebody with a big enough title.  Should be an interesting week but this is easy work - no stress.  I heading in a day early to spend time in the Santa Clara offices.  I have some staff there that I hope to take to lunch today.

This trip is well timed.  My husband & I are getting on each others nerves!  We went up to the mountains this weekend so he could ride in the Copper Triangle.  He did very well but the steepest, longest climb is right at the end of the 78-mile course & I think it really kicked his butt.  Sunday we went out to Glenwood Springs to enjoy the wonderful hot springs & then caught Keb' Mo' playing at the Botanical Gardens.  It should have been a wonderful day but we spent most of it sniping at each other.  ugh.  Then this morning, he helped carry out my bags to the car (which he does most every morning) and planted a long & truly masterful kiss on me.  damn that man!!! now I have to deal with THAT until I get home Thursday.  sheesh.

cheers,
chloe

Seoul & Beijing

Forbidden City in Beijing

Monday weigh-in: 162.2lbs
down about 3 lbs from last weigh-in

I got back Friday nite from my business trip & I'm just now shaking off the jetlag.  Almost feel back to normal today.  Trip was ok.  The only thing is that the air quality is sooooo bad in Beijing that I always feel ill while I'm there.  Its a good reminder why I'm glad I don't smoke!

Stuck to decent bandster habits while I was on the road.  I packed my favorite protein powders, protein bars & supplements.  I packed workout gear & hit the hotel gyms almost every day.

Getting better at managing the band while traveling but there are always challenges.  Schedules are packed and I never know what I am going to eat & when (this is especially difficult in a foreign country)  Case in point:  Thursday in Beijing.  Had small breakfast of muesli & hot tea at hotel.  Had meetings all day at sales office.  Went out to lunch with a few local guys - hot soup with noodles & dumplings.  Mostly just drank broth in soup & ate 1 dumpling.  got stuck.  More meetings & presentations in the afternoon.  Snacked on some trail mix I brought along.  Then we decided to meet up with my boss & the Engineering VP who had just landed but they were over at Engineering office which was about an hour away in traffic.  Engineering guy wants to hit up a local Peking duck place for dinner.  We go there & its another hour wait so we go to a nearby bar for drinks.  Have a whiskey.  Get seated for dinner but its another hour before the duck will be ready.  Have a few bites of an eggcake pancake & some mysterious meat-based appetizers.  The guys order beer.  I don't do carbonated drinks anymore so stick to hot tea.  Duck finally shows up.  Peking duck can be really good if its done well & this place was better than most.  You start with a thin pancake (like a crepe), add a couple of slices of roasted duck, plum sauce, sliced cucumbers and sliced green onion.   yum!  However, it was late & I was very hungry.  bad combination. Ate too fast & did not chew well.  I get through one when I realize its gonna need to come back up.....

For those who haven't traveled much in Asia, there are actually two types of toilets.  There is the "seater" which is what every westerner is familiar with.  Have a seat, do some reading & get your business done.  In Asia there is also something I call the "squatter."  Its a glorified hole in the ground.  Nicer places have porcelain fittings.  Check out the pic.  So imagine bending all the way over & getting your PB on....at least this place employed a bathroom attendant and it was pretty clean.

Another hour back to the hotel & then ordered creme brulee from room service.   sigh.  not an experience I want to repeat.  Happy to be home.

I think the little back-to-basics experiment I tried right before I left really worked for me.  I lost the 3lbs during that week but didn't lose anything on my trip.  Hard to attribute the entire loss to my little experiment since my period also showed up that week but I do believe it helped.  I also just feel better when I can plan the week's menu and cook at home.  I've noticed that what I eat really affects how I feel now.

Too bad I won't be able to get back to it for awhile.  Too fried this past weekend to go grocery shopping.  Got home from the gym last night about 8pm & then started scrounging for dinner.  not the best for me.  Leaving Friday for the mountains because my husband is doing another 100-mile bike race this weekend.  Then leave first thing Monday morning to spend the entire week in California.  At least I know what I need to do...just need to have a schedule that lets me do it.


cheers,
chloe


 

Why WLS, part 2

This is the second part in an occasional series about why I chose weight loss surgery.  My reasons are right there in my short bio: my career, my daughter & myself.   My career was covered here and this post will be about my daughter.  This post has been brewing in me from the beginning but that won't make it any easier to write down.  Grab a box of tissues because I know I will.....

I think it takes a lot of strength to do what we do: willingly undergo surgery, have a foreign object implanted,  drain the bank account dry,  learn all new eating habits and risk it all to combat a lifetime of addiction.  To take this drastic step, I believe it takes a very powerful why.   Something compelling enough to keep us going to the gym, making good food choices, picking ourselves up when we stumble.  Day in, day out.  over & over & over.  For me, my most powerful why is my daughter.

This is a very timely post because my daughter turned 9 years old today.  Something the earliest doctors told us wouldn't happen.  My daughter is severely disabled - she is in a wheelchair, she does not speak, she is deaf/blind, she is in diapers, can not feed herself, she can not communicate, she has seizures.  Basically, there is something wrong with everything from head to toe: brain structural abnormalities, heart abnormalities, kidney issues, scoliosis and much, much more.  Developmentally, she is like a 4 month old but in a 42lb body.   I can give a long list of symptoms but I can't give a name to her disorder. We have no diagnosis and likely never will.  She has had 6 major surgeries and seen more doctors than I can count.  At 3 months old, her first doctors gave us a life expectancy of only 6 years.  Something like that definitely leaves a mark on your heart.  Just last year, the most recent doctors told us that she may be the first whatever she is in the world.  This also hurts.  My little family is completely off in uncharted territory.

The past nine years have not been easy.  I had a totally normal pregnancy - there was absolutely no hint of what was to come on that day she was born.  No time to prepare for the shock of it all.  It actually took several years to get a full picture of the breadth of her disabilities.  Even now, I don't think we know it all.  It always feels like there is yet one more crisis just around the corner.  I remember vividly when she was just a few weeks old and we went the Children's Hospital in Austin for the first appointment with a urologist.  I remember standing in the hospital lobby looking up at a list of all the doctors and specialists.  I was so scared.  I was so lost.  So many names on that board! A little over a year later, we were moving to Denver for my job.  We went back to the hospital to get a copy of all her medical records and I remember looking up at that same list of doctors.  However, a bare year later, we'd been to see every single specialty on that board except oncology.  And that was just her first year of life.

As I mentioned, I can provide a very long list of all the things that are wrong with my daughter and yet that list would completely fail to capture who she is.  She is the light of my life.  She laughs a lot. Even though she can't speak, she smiles and giggles often. She clearly communicates her joy.  She is very social & engaged.  She loves to be around people, she likes school, she likes to cuddle.  She loves Wendy's Frostys :)  Against all odds, she turned 9 today.

And this where it starts to get really tough.  She turned 9 today - she is strong, her health is stable, she continues to progress at her own pace.  Frankly, there is no reason that she shouldn't turn 19....29.....39.....how do I prepare for that future?  My daughter is the very definition of vulnerable.  There are a lot of bad people out there - people that could hurt her.  She can't fight back.  She can't speak up.  She can't say no and she could never identify anyone who harmed her.  And so this is my deepest, darkest fear: my daughter pregnant.  My husband and I are very clear that we want to keep her in our home and under our direct care.  I just don't think it would be possible for me to trust her welfare to institutionalized care.

A year ago, I could not envision my 69-year-old self capable of caring for a 39-year-old severely disabled daughter.  A year ago, I couldn't lift her out of the bathtub.  A year ago, I couldn't carry her to bed. A year ago, I couldn't walk more than ten steps with her in my arms. A year ago, it finally sunk in that I needed to take drastic steps in order to regain my health.

I need to be strong.  I need to live a long time so I am here to care for her always.  This is my most powerful why for choosing WLS.

what's your powerful why?

cheers, 

chloe

I am not cured...

... I was originally going to add "yet" to this title but then I realized I don't think I'll be cured *ever.*  This is just starting to dawn on me - pardon me while I catch up with the rest of the class.  Even though I'm banded, I think I will always struggle with food issues, cravings, overeating, etc. I'm now realizing that I'll never be cured of my food addictions or my desire to turn to food during stress.  Now I just need to come to terms with that.

I've been thinking a lot about yesterday's post regarding setting goals & endpoints.  Thank you all for your lovely comments!!  I find it so helpful to turn to this community for support, answers, clarity.  I spent a lot of time yesterday perusing new & old blogs - trying to get a sense of where I am in this journey.  Reading your stories, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not done yet.  Still not convinced 145lbs is the right goal but I know 165lbs isn't it either.  So, I've decided to set an intermediate target of 155lbs.  Once I get there, I'll figure out where to go after that.  Basically, I've decided to decide later.  Fabulous!  I could be a politician. :)

Since I'm not done on this journey, I need to figure out what is holding me back, address it & move on.  Its really not much of mystery to me - I'm eating too much.  Of course, too much of the wrong things....cookies, pastries, breads, sweets, etc.   So the question is: why am I stuffing crap down my piehole?

I believe I am going to have to address some my underlying emotional drama.  I've been rather hesitant to unpack of my baggage since things have been going so swimmingly for the last 60lbs.   Why get dirty if I don't have to?  There have been things on my mind lately that its probably time to drag out into the light and really use this blog space for what its meant to be.  I started this blog as an anonymous place where I could record my journey - highs & lows - but also vent those bits of me that rarely are let loose in my real life.  my emotions.  the good, the bad, the ugly.  the parts I am proud of but also the parts I am ashamed of.  This will be the topics of my next few posts...you've been warned! :)  Now, there is nothing truly horrendous in my past - no abuse, no violence, no salacious Lifetime-worthy drama - its just LIFE I'm dealing with here.

In the meantime, I'm evaluating other aspects of my banded journey & trying to get back to basics.  I'm doing something this week I haven't done in quite awhile.  I sat down Sunday, did a meal plan for the week & then went grocery shopping.  We're cooking at home all week!

Here's the menu:
(Hubs is very good about trying new things & we like to experiment a little.  Fun to keep the tastes fresh & seasonal.)
Sunday: 5-spice tilapia with glazed carrots
OMG! this was so good, super fast & sooooo easy!  I sliced the carrots on a mandolin & that was the hardest part.  definitely going into our standard rotation.  huge hit.

Monday: Grilled Chicken with Peach Bourbon Butter and Mixed Greens & Avocado salad
we stole this entire dinner right out of this month's Cooking Light issue.  it was ok.  It took a lot of time to make the peach/bourbon glaze.  Not fabulous enough to be worth the effort.  Salad was just ok, too

Tuesday (tonight): Turkey with Blueberry Pan sauce & grilled corn on the cob
this recipe looks promising - fast & easy. Blueberries are a superfood.  yum.  Never had much luck with anything turkey that wasn't a whole bird, so we'll see how it goes.....

Wed Spinach Steak Blueberry Salad
Eating Well had a "blueberry" series & this looked good, too.  Great way to use any leftover berries from previous nite...

Thursday:  no cooking.  Going to see India Arie at the Botanical Gardens & will just pack a picnic

Friday:  some shrimp dish...forgetting the details

I'm also going to add another hour of cardio back into the workout routine.
Here's the menu:
Sunday:  long bike ride up Lookout
Monday: an hour of kickbox
Tuesday: going to hit the elliptical for an hour tonight
Wed: kickbox & weights
Thursday: rest (but looks like I just scheduled a round of golf with my boss.  is that exercise?)
Friday:  hour of spin & hour of weights

At the end of the week, I'll assess & see if I get any results.  I leave bright & early Saturday morning for a trip to Asia.  I'm in Seoul & Beijing all next week.  sigh.

cheers,
chloe

More hill climbing

Monday weigh-in: 164.6lbs
up 0.4lbs from last week
more bitching about this in a bit...

...but, first!  Had a lovely weekend.  Went out to a concert at the Botanical Gardens with some friends on Friday nite.  Great Louisiana sounds in a beautiful setting!  Saw Harry Potter movie on Saturday - LOVED it!  I'm a rabid Potter fan but I'm a little sad the whole thing is over.  sigh.

Did some more hill climbing work yesterday.  We were able to get a babysitter so just the hubs & I could go for a ride.  nice treat.  We did Lookout Mountain in Golden.  Its a serious climb - 5 miles at 5-6% grade & 1300ft elevation gain.  This is the same climb we did after returning from Breck but this time I was able to complete the whole thing.  yippee!!!! no stops!!!  Granted, it took me 53minutes (a far cry from hubbie's best time of 32min) but I did it.  Even just riding it a second time, I felt much stronger & knew what to expect.  Also, we don't drive out to Golden & then ride up it....oh no.  We leave from our house in Denver, ride to Golden (which is 12miles & mostly uphill) in order to start the climb.  Whole trip is about 32miles & took us about 3hours with rest breaks. 1800 calories burnt

Next, I need to tackle the actual climb in my upcoming race a couple of times.  That climb is gentler but longer...

At the top of Lookout is Buffalo Bill's grave.  Tacky museum & gift shop included.  You can get snacks at the gift shop and there are a bunch of picnic tables in the shade under the pines.  Lookout is a very popular ride & I think I saw 5x as many bicyclists as cars on Sunday.  The riders tend to gather for a rest at the picnic tables & swap stories.  As I was hanging out listening to the stories, I felt like I belonged there.  No one was looking at me like I crashed the party.  I wasn't the smallest person in the group but I also wasn't the biggest.  I was just....normal.  which is a segue to my next topic -

So, I'm stuck at 165lbs...and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I still have 20lbs to goal but, I gotta ask, what is the right goal?  I truly don't know how to answer that.  It didn't matter much when I started but now I'm thinking a lot about how to define the endpoint.

Technically, I'm still overweight with a BMI of 25.1 but my waist-to-height ratio is healthy.  I know I could lose a few more pounds - I'm still flabby in my butt, back, etc.  Another 5-10lbs would put me solidly in a size 8.  But I feel good & feel I look good even now - so what's the end?

cheers,
chloe